Saturday, June 11, 2011

A brush with death, kind of. . .

So I was watching CNN 2 at about 5 a.m. after finishing a plate of homemade blueberry pancakes and I realized that my fingernails could use a quick trim.

Luckily the nail clippers were exactly where I had left them after my wife called me gross for cutting my toe nails  - on the coffee table in the living room.

About ten seconds into it I was already on my fourth finger - you can say what you want about my hygiene habits but I have always taken pride in my ability to speed through a fingernail cutting session in under 1 min 30 seconds. I don't know the world record I am pretty sure I would be in the running but to be honest I don't care because I don't do it to be competitive.

So it was at this time, while I was pondering possible sponsorship deals for my fingernail cutting skills, when I nearly died.
They would still loose.

There is a theory in physics, more like a theory that high school physics students talk about when they get stoned and drink Mt. Dew while listen to the Flamming Lips. It says that at the lowest form of matter, even the charge inside the atoms themselves are held together by smaller particles and they are held together by even smaller particles and smaller and smaller until you eventually get to tiny little "vibrations" between parts of parts of particles. This means that if you can find the right frequency, the right angle and the right timing then it would be possible for an object to pass through another object. Of course the possibility of all those vibrations lining up perfectly would be like several billion to one shot, per particle - but still technically possible - - - -Statistically speaking what happened to me at the coffee table was only slightly more likely to happen then all of the particles in my leg lining up and falling through the floor.


Somehow I clipped a nail and it flew through the air reaching speeds upwards of 200 miles an hour and ricocheting through the living room behaving like a cross between an epileptic toddler and the magic bullet that Oswald fired at Kennedy.

Somehow the tiny little fingernail  - - without even touching the rim - - shot right up my nose. It hit the hole so perfectly that it actually made it to the cusp between the inner area when the nose starts to stop being nose and starts to be the inside of your face. I panicked of course as most of you would when a large rouge fingernail lodges itself in your nasal passage.

I nearly choked and realized that if I inhale this thing is not stopping till it hits lung. I grabbed a napkin and blew my nose - It worked and thankfully I survived.

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