Sunday, June 19, 2011

Sort of like mesh but slutty . . .

I went to the mall yesterday, because I needed some cloths and my wife told me about this thing called "clearance," that is suppose to make everything you buy cheaper. Of course the penalty for me saving all this money is that I would have to bring her along and she would drag me into a several stores looking for a dress that doesn't exist.

At first I had fun with it, like loudly asking her what a Kardashian was in the middle of a crowded store or saying loudly "So your trying to tell me that Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana are the same person?" It was really fun although it was less fun for my wife.

She paided off on her promise, I found a button down business shirt with a matching tie for only $3. She also taught me that I hate the future, cheap as it may be. Every store she took me to was playing some kind of bubble gum bop bullshit that made Hanson sound like Metallica. I get it, of course the music is going to be bad, these are stores primarily catering to 12 to 15 year old girls, a few that were 17, and one flirting with 30 that needed a new outfit to match the pair of cowboy boots her husband found at a garage sale. (Although to be fair I did kind of find it cute, sort of like when you buy a little kid a fireman's hat and they wear it all the time pretending to save kittens and making siren noises.)

"Look over there, clearance on all socks!!!"

She took me to a place called "The Body Shop," or like "Body Movements," - I can't remember exactly the name but it sounded kind of like a strip club and most of the cloths inside looked like something a young girl working her way though college might wear. There was a dress (I say "dress" because I don't know what else to call it) which stretched from the ceiling to the floor hanging on the back wall - I thought it was just a prop but when I turned around I saw several more of them on a rack. These things were like 8 feet long, so either I just didn't get it or this was club wear for WNBA players. There was another rack that had these silver pants that were sort of like mesh but slutty, they looked like something out of one of those really bad 1980's teen films - not the good ones with Molly Ringwall, but the bad ones like with Madonna.

This is what you are nostalgic for?

I felt dirty just being at the mall, all these little girls who couldn't even drive yet were there with their moms buying thongs and lots of belts, for some reason these people found the level of their pants waists to be very important.

The only glimmering moment of hope in all of this was the boys were all wearing jeans that were so tight that there was no way they will be able to reproduce.

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